Then run out

•June 16, 2008 • 3 Comments

Today is a sad day, ladies and gentleman. It seems like the left and their propaganda machine have finally convinced America to abandon our most precious of natural resources altogether.  Now, to be honest, this comes as no surprise to me, what with the President’s approval numbers running at a record low, but to fill up and run out of our cars in a panicked state of self-induced guilt? Please. For starters, running is for Olympic hopefuls, the French, and dimwitted chocolate-enthusiasts.  In fact, I would argue that it’s our ability to design gas-fueled technology that makes our legs useless that separates us from the apes – if of course we needed to be separated from the apes, which we don’t because we have nothing genetically to do with them.


For those of you confused, here’s a simple diagram. Feel free to print this, cut it out, and put it in your wallet:



Do you see how the monkey foolishly attempts to travel from point A to point B by plugging his ears while the man prefers the carefully constructed comfort of the gas-powered automobile as his mode of transport?


Now granted, I don’t want to trivialize things here, so let’s not assume that things are always this cut and dry. Pop quiz: man or ape?



Ha-ha!  A monkey placed in very human, non-leg-using circumstances, but I can assure you that he had nothing to do with the creation of this 1953 Chevy Cobalt.


Now how about another one?:



Nope. Monkey astronauts, despite their enormous fuel consumption, are not humans!


Last try:



Actually I have no idea, but that’s funny.  Look at his little pants. Little pant man-monkey.


But this brings me to my second point: must I remind all you tree huggers out there what happens when we abandon the Lord’s bubbling crude?



That’s right. Mo-hawks. And spikey shoulder-pads.  Or maybe you haven’t seen Mad Max, hippie.


What I learned I’m telling you right now: Don’t run from gas!



This Week In News You Missed:

•June 14, 2008 • 1 Comment

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week:

Phoenix Lander

Search for New Menu Item Sends McDonald’s, NASA to Mars

Is Martian dirt delicious? In a bold move, McDonald’s is betting its Wall Street credibility (and $18.7 billion dollars) that it is.

This week, NASA’s Phoenix rover successfully landed on the surface of Mars, equipped with a robotic, spatula-like arm, eight specially designed Kenmore® microwave ovens, and an innovative, electronic “mouth”, complete with 18 thousand “taste sensors”, designed to analyze cooked dirt samples for deliciousness and transmit the results back to the Johnson Space Center in Houston.

McDonald’s core menu has remained relatively unchanged since the introduction of Chicken “McNuggets” over twenty years ago, and while the chain has extensively promoted new items like the “McRib” sandwich in the decades that have followed, none has managed to maintain a strong consumer following.

In response, McDonald’s executives were forced to think outside the box. “After the Big and Tasty failed, I was emotionally devastated. Finally, I just said ‘There’s nothing else we can deep-fry on this planet. Let’s go to Mars and see what we dig up'”, said Vice President of Sandwich Marketing and New-Product Development, Brad Foster. “I guess I should mention,” he continued, “when I said this, I was extremely drunk at the holiday party and there was a lot more profanity involved, so I didn’t really think that there was a chance in hell that we would actually look for a new product on another planet. But then, somehow, NASA actually came to us.”

NASA first approached McDonald’s with an offer to work in conjunction to develop and market an “out of this world” soft drink should the Phoenix rover discover any human-consumable substances in liquid form on Mars. “We were definitely tempted,” said Vice President of Communication and Business Development, Marcia Lawson, “but we really felt that we already had an ‘out of this world’ beverage in Sprite, so, in the end, we declined.”

NASA was persistent. “They came back with a sandwich idea,” said Vice President of Mid-Atlantic Operations Excluding Northern Virginia, Jim Pulaski, “and we were immediately smitten; the very concept of cooking up a piece of another planet and eating it? It would be making fast food history; we couldn’t resist.”

The earliest prototypes, at McDonald’s insistence according to insiders, involved several different variations of a basic concept: an immigrant laborer equipped with a jet pack and basic kitchen implements. After several years of “disappointing and occasionally fatal” test results, NASA officials were finally able to convince McDonald’s executives to accept the Phoenix rover as a robotic alternative.

The most complex component of the rover to develop, according to NASA engineers, was the electronic “mouth” which scientists developed to replicate the taste buds of Battleboro, North Carolina’s Bud Francis, a self-described “part-time musician”, who won the honor by accumulating the Illinois, Indiana and Kentucky Avenue pieces in McDonald’s 2007 Monopoly promotion.

“If the taste sensors indicate that oven-baked Martian dirt is delicious, as we believe they will, we plan to have that dirt incorporated into a sandwich no later than 2010,” said McDonald’s President of Non-Global Product Development Steven Rutherford. According to strict McDonald’s naming conventions, the sandwich would unfortunately be required to be marketed as the “McMarsDirt”.

If the sandwich is put into nationwide distribution, NASA estimates that as many as 17 McMarsDirts could be served up in this decade.

The cost of the project ($18.7B) was initially seen as cost-prohibitive by many investors, but the bi-partisan Gates-Johnson “Hamburglar” Bill which passed the Senate Finance committee on Monday, and appears to have the necessary votes in both the Senate and the House, seeks to cover more than $18.69 billion of the cost in taxpayer subsidies. In order to reap these benefits, a provision in the bill specifies that the fast food giant must maintain a permanent facility aboard the international space station and within the National Holocaust Museum for at least 4 months.

Shot near the Malibu shore

•June 13, 2008 • Leave a Comment

As many of you know, I don’t follow the celebrities, but when I heard this news today, well, it got to me. For a gorgeous woman like this to be shot on the beach (seen above plugging her temple in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding) – that’s simply tragic. As a lover of all beautiful women, though, let me offer this eulogy to Ms. Diaz. And since I’m still not entirely sure as to who she is, permit me the liberty of cribbing a bit from the IMDB.




“We have gathered here today to celebrate the life of Cameron Cortez Diaz. She had kind of a big nose for a while. And then she didn’t. It seems she was also an actress for some time, someone who enjoyed playing fantastical roles: an ogre princess; a woman who could love Ben Stiller; and yes, laughably, a respected female president and co-owner of a professional football team. I know! And get this: she was Al Pacino’s boss!  Oh, Hollywood, how you love to dream….


Anyway, she will be missed. She leaves behind friends, family, and a dancing, deforested body of water.


Godspeed, sweet princess. May your love of jeans guide you home.


What I learned: Something called a Cameron Diaz is dead. But she loves jeans!


Pilot Toilet

•June 12, 2008 • Leave a Comment

I hate to admit it, readers, but I was wrong. All these years, I thought the wave was a greeting;an acknowledgement of something good; a gesture of solidarity and comradery.

To give you some idea of my numerous faux pas-zes (sp?–it’s French, c’mon!), here’s how I was interpreting one such similar gesture, the thumbs-up, before the caption above:

“You got it!  Sent from God!”

“Goin’ well, Mr. President!”

“I heart Andersonpooper!”

“Ayyyyyy!” [single-thumb]


See? All good things!  But what if I use this sort of reading on the wave below. Have I been wrong about the wave?  And if I am, maybe I’m unclear about the thumb! I mean the wave here can’t really be…

“Proud and filled ’em. Over.”

Please tell me I’m not right.

What learned: Hand gestures are difficult to read.  Hello or a veiled request for a clean pair of shorts?


Wally Gator

•June 10, 2008 • Leave a Comment


How dare you, Santa Cruz. Your desire to form an independent, free, and self-governing community is one thing, that’s your future mess, but to bring a beloved anthropomorphic symbol of American patriotism into your affairs? Well, that I won’t just stand for.


For those you not in the know, let me give you a bit of background on American hero, Wally Gator.


[Author’s note: before continuing, make sure that you accompany this read with a crappy midi version of “America, the Beautiful.”]


See, back perhaps before you were born, there was something called a Communist. And they hated American values – much like some of our leaders do today.  But what they hated most – most in the world – was the free market. They believed it oppressed them and that they had become, in a sense, appendages of the machine. They wanted, in a sense, autonomy from government.


Now of course, since this time, most Americans have come to their senses and realized that a socioeconomic structure that promotes the establishment of a classless and stateless society is essentially one that hates God (The Lord loves to shop!), but back then Americans weren’t so sure. And so God sent His ass-kicking disciple, Joseph Raymond McCarthy.


The rest, as they say, is history. McCarthy executed the pinkos, saved America, and ate some greasy chicken or something.  But who, I ask you, who, was his chief counsel?



That’s right, Wallace Edward Gatorston, U.S. District attorney and staunch opponent of autonomy.


So know your history, Santa Cruz!  That float is like a Pat Robertson balloon at a gay pride parade!


What I learned: Santa Cruz doesn’t know history.


Jim Smith

•June 9, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Kudos Hartford, Connecticut for finally manning-up and employing some of these robo-public servants we’ve all heard so much about.  As a citizen and defender of this beautiful country, however, I do have a few concerns. For starters, where the heck does “Sgt. Jim” keep his gun? I believe that’s his Second Amendment right, correct?  Or perhaps the liberal femministas have talked you into sending criminals nasty emails now. (And pardon if that seems like a foolish question; Jim may very well have a Smith and Wesson SIG-P229 USB port, but I’d like to know in case those kids with the flat brimmed hats come back.)


Secondly – and perhaps this will be included in Jim 2.0 – but I don’t see any way that Jim here is going to be able to throw tear gas into government sanctioned protest areas.  Then again, the kids today will probably forget all about their “inhumane” battery cages once they see Jim’s sweet collection of Minesweeper mods. Again, though, I’m new to this field, so I’d like some clarification.


At any rate, if the comments I’ve made here have raised some concern, may I suggest two more appendage-ready, automatous law enforcement options:



[From left to right: Final build, Prototype A, and Prototype E.]



[The perfect GOP officer: serves, protects, and follows the Evangelical prophesies of Judgement Day. Also made of liquid metal.]


And while on the subject of mechanomorphic civil servants, may I offer a few more:





FEMA worker:



Sanitation worker/Member of Department of Housing and Urban Development:



DMV clerk:



Town drunk:






What I learned: Civil servant robots need arms.


R. Kelly

•June 5, 2008 • Leave a Comment


Dearest R.,


You don’t know me, but I love America.  Hunting, fishing, border patrolling – it’s all good – but let’s be honest: there really is nothing more American than a little bump and grind. In fact, I might go so far as to concede that there really is nothing wrong with it – so long as it’s (a) between two loving, consensual adults that have pledged themselves to one another under one Christian God and (b) limited to times of fertility with the intention of conception. See? We have something in common. You and I aren’t so different.


But before my readers think I’m going to get all Bloombergian, let me assure you that there are some things I can’t condone.  For instance:



Name me one founding father who wore a lick-belt, R.? I didn’t think so. And, though I know things have been tough as of late – what with your 14 counts of soliciting a minor for child pornography – your actions described in the caption above aren’t much better!  This is surely no way to behave.  I mean, “making a home sex video with an underage girl at [your] child pornography trial”? That’s just dumb. Did you think the jurors wouldn’t notice? Perhaps you interpreted “justice is blind” a little too liberally. Next you’re going to tell me that you peed on somebody!


Now maybe this sort of behavior is acceptable on “Sex Planet” or “Thoia Thoing” or wherever you’re from, but this judicial system has some rules – the first being absolutely no fornication in a court of law. The second has something to do with habeas corpus and the last one mentions something called a Scalia, I think – just so you know.


What I learned: If you’re being tried for inappropriate copulation, refrain from copulating at your trial.