R. Kelly


Dearest R.,


You don’t know me, but I love America.  Hunting, fishing, border patrolling – it’s all good – but let’s be honest: there really is nothing more American than a little bump and grind. In fact, I might go so far as to concede that there really is nothing wrong with it – so long as it’s (a) between two loving, consensual adults that have pledged themselves to one another under one Christian God and (b) limited to times of fertility with the intention of conception. See? We have something in common. You and I aren’t so different.


But before my readers think I’m going to get all Bloombergian, let me assure you that there are some things I can’t condone.  For instance:



Name me one founding father who wore a lick-belt, R.? I didn’t think so. And, though I know things have been tough as of late – what with your 14 counts of soliciting a minor for child pornography – your actions described in the caption above aren’t much better!  This is surely no way to behave.  I mean, “making a home sex video with an underage girl at [your] child pornography trial”? That’s just dumb. Did you think the jurors wouldn’t notice? Perhaps you interpreted “justice is blind” a little too liberally. Next you’re going to tell me that you peed on somebody!


Now maybe this sort of behavior is acceptable on “Sex Planet” or “Thoia Thoing” or wherever you’re from, but this judicial system has some rules – the first being absolutely no fornication in a court of law. The second has something to do with habeas corpus and the last one mentions something called a Scalia, I think – just so you know.


What I learned: If you’re being tried for inappropriate copulation, refrain from copulating at your trial.



~ by Brian Timmerman on June 5, 2008.

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