Summary: This Week in News You Missed

•December 31, 2008 • 1 Comment

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week. This week’s summarized edition features only headlines.

 

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Iraqi Defensive Forces Step-Up As We Duck

 

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Horrible Bitch Tells the Worst Stories Imaginable

 

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Desperate Timberwolves Plan to Bio-engineer Hakeem Olajuwon/Pee Wee Herman Hybrid Clone for 2009 Season

 

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Gaza Real Estate Market Hit Hard by Recession, Cluster Bombs

 

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Las Vegas Man Arrested for Apparent Enjoyment of Steve Zahn Movie, “Strange Wilderness”

 

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Minnesota Voters Give the Finger to “Fill in the Oval” Directive

 

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Maury Announces “You are the Father” to Stunned Vacationing Sea-Whore(se)

 

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Dow Chemical Forced to Layoff Thousands After Innovative “Feel Free to Sleep At Work” Initiative Fails to Boost Revenue

 

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Matthew McConaughey Not Fooling Anyone

Summary: This Week in News You Missed

•July 15, 2008 • Leave a Comment

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week. This week’s summarized edition features only headlines.


Adorable Old Man Thinks He’s Running for President

 

Warner Brothers Buys Rights to Unfortunate Real-World Situation

 

Summer Means Pageant Season at the U.N.

 

Asshole Stands in Line for 17 Hours to Buy a Cellphone He Pretty Much Already Has

 

Former Boa-Wearing Wrestler, Hollywood Actor, Self-Promoting Author Declares Extreme Dislike for the Mainstream Media on Highly-Rated, AOL/Time-Warner-Owned, Nationally Broadcast Television Program

 

Super-Sexy Lando Calrissian Lookalike Raises Ire of McCain Camp

 

Mitt Romney Bored, Tan

Takes pleasure in his “Bum-bot” creation

•June 26, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Folks, one can only assume that this sort of smut-captioning is in direct, mocking response to my slight misreading of an R. Kelly caption a few weeks back.  Now, yes, I know, the singer was acquitted of all pee-related charges and my coverage may not have exactly been fair and balanced, but CNN, you have to be a fool to think I’d fall for more of your sexually suggestive captioning. I mean, dangling a photo of a clearly gentile American business owner and claiming that he’s “tak[ing] pleasure in his ‘Bum-bot’ creation”? Please. Once I sink my teeth into that one, I’m sure you’ll then tell me that Terrell’s “true” pleasure comes from the fact that the Bum-bot passes out Werther’s Originals to sad-sack (read: bummed) orphans. Nice try.

 

Oh, and I suppose you thought you were pretty clever with the whole “Cops frown on his spraying of water at people” too. Thought I might interpret that as wild, old-man spray peeing, huh (though it’s a serious condition, look it up)? Nope. My guess here is that you’re referring to Terrell’s part time gig as a circus clown, one known for his comic water ballooning of equally clown-clad police officers.

 

What I learned: I can hear you laughing, Blitzer! Laughing!

 

Remains buried in one

•June 25, 2008 • Leave a Comment

 

Folks, I’ve been saying it for years now, but let me once again reiterate my stance on the dead and snack food. Either you’re deceased or you’re delicious and potentially salty.  You here that, can-man? Unless your name happens to rhyme with Jeef Berky, you can’t be both. Pick a side. We’re at war.

 

While Pringles may have had the right idea, though – there’s some obvious cribbing from Willy Wonka’s more successful promotion, except instead of a golden ticket to tour a delightful chocolate factory you get the cremated remains of some old guy – I can’t help but feel that history has repeated itself here. Hadn’t they learned from the failed death-snack campaigns of other companies? Stuff like Frito Lay’s Blazin’ Cadaver and Ranch Doritos, Old Dutch’s Restaurant Style Corpsetadas, and Nabisco’s Reduced Fat Carcass in a Biskits. And let’s say, just for a minute, that I don’t want to find the one can that the designer is buried in? What then?

 

What I learned: Eating Pringles is like playing Russian Roulette, except for the rounds are like the different cans and I guess that would make the round with the bullet the potato with all the dead-guy dust on it….Oh, you get the idea.

Backing the government’s decisions

•June 19, 2008 • Leave a Comment

Attention good people of Buenos Aires!  If you agree with the government’s decisions, please do not set fire to your public square! We need that to make more decisions for you to approve of!

 

As I’ve mentioned before here, friends, rioters are a confused breed, misguided nomads and angry sorts that, to be honest, are more than likely just looking for somewhere to hang after Hot Topic closes. But when these ragamuffins start protestually supporting my governing body, well, that’s where I draw the line. Here are a few other folks that need to check their ids at the door if they want to rally behind my causes. I’ve also taken the liberty of offering them more civilized alternatives.

 

More God in Schools!

 

 

May I suggest… a flag pin

 

 

Global warming is not our fault!

 

 

 

May I suggest…a hunting trip

 

 

We wholeheartedly believe that we are being adequately represented!  Please continue your just and fair taxation policies!

 

 

May I suggest…a powdered wig.

What I learned believe: A riot is not a gesture of approval.

This Week in News You Missed:

•June 19, 2008 • 1 Comment

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week:

Oil Crisis Averted

A young, brilliant economist has offered a simple suggestion which will solve the nation’s gas price woes.

Fareed Zakaria is widely seen as a front-runner for the Nobel Prize after publishing a brilliant essay in The Economist this week in which he suggests that if Americans use less oil, the price of oil will eventually fall. “Think of oil as lemonade you are selling on the side of the road,” writes Zakaria in the July 16th edition, “if no one is stopping to buy lemonade, eventually you’re going to lower the price. Oil is no different.”

Zakaria has garnered wide praise for the piece. “It was a brilliant essay, there’s no question,” said Dr. Muinul Chowdhury, a professor of Economics at Harvard University, “I think that Dr. Zakaria has offered some very reasonable solutions that can be used right away to reduce gas prices.”

Zakaria suggests some activities which would immediately affect oil consumption such as carpooling to work, or riding a bicycle rather than driving a car. He estimates that if the typical American could reduce their driving by only 98%, the price of gas could fall to as low as $3.48 a gallon by the end of the decade.

“Fantastic,” said Dr. Raymond Feith, an Economics professor at the University of Chicago, “I can’t believe that no one came up with this idea sooner, to be honest. I mean, the basic premise of the article is actually the main idea that drives all economic theory. Boy, we really missed the boat on this one.”

Economists worldwide are widely anticipating the publication of another Zakaria piece in the New York Times next week in which he argues that Americans can easily solve the problem of their exploding debt simply by spending less than they make.

Chicken blocked the drive-thru

•June 18, 2008 • Leave a Comment

My hat’s off to you, McDonald’s of Temecula, California. While most fast-food restaurants have pussed-out, shrinking or all-together eliminating their over-sized portions, you’ve taken the industry in a bold, new direction by actually making your food so big that I have no choice but to eat my way to the the drive-thru window. You hear that Wendy’s?  If you want to compete, those chicken fingers better not be able to fit in the cab of my truck!

Artist’s rendition of my demands:

What I learned: You’re never hungry in Temecula, California.