Then run out
Today is a sad day, ladies and gentleman. It seems like the left and their propaganda machine have finally convinced America to abandon our most precious of natural resources altogether. Now, to be honest, this comes as no surprise to me, what with the President’s approval numbers running at a record low, but to fill up and run out of our cars in a panicked state of self-induced guilt? Please. For starters, running is for Olympic hopefuls, the French, and dimwitted chocolate-enthusiasts. In fact, I would argue that it’s our ability to design gas-fueled technology that makes our legs useless that separates us from the apes – if of course we needed to be separated from the apes, which we don’t because we have nothing genetically to do with them.
For those of you confused, here’s a simple diagram. Feel free to print this, cut it out, and put it in your wallet:
Do you see how the monkey foolishly attempts to travel from point A to point B by plugging his ears while the man prefers the carefully constructed comfort of the gas-powered automobile as his mode of transport?
Now granted, I don’t want to trivialize things here, so let’s not assume that things are always this cut and dry. Pop quiz: man or ape?
Ha-ha! A monkey placed in very human, non-leg-using circumstances, but I can assure you that he had nothing to do with the creation of this 1953 Chevy Cobalt.
Now how about another one?:
Nope. Monkey astronauts, despite their enormous fuel consumption, are not humans!
Last try:
Actually I have no idea, but that’s funny. Look at his little pants. Little pant man-monkey.
But this brings me to my second point: must I remind all you tree huggers out there what happens when we abandon the Lord’s bubbling crude?
That’s right. Mo-hawks. And spikey shoulder-pads. Or maybe you haven’t seen Mad Max, hippie.
What I learned I’m telling you right now: Don’t run from gas!
I’m shocked Ben Stein didn’t mention this in his movie.
Toecutter, Clunk, and Mudguts all appear in the Director’s Cut.
Sir: I am most disappointed in this post of yours. You seem to get your point across by simply poking fun at monkeys without really putting any argument across. Monkeys are a most noble creature indeed. Hold many of the qualities of humans, without creating mass death and destruction on a global scale. I would also like to mention that mo-hawks and spiky shoulder pads are awesome. I for one will be ensuring I get myself a set in the post apocalyptic world. Furthermore, the mo-hawk/shoulder spike situation you refer too was actually a direct result of “the Lord’s bubbling crude” running out because we DIDN’T abandon the use of crude oil, or maybe you haven’t seen Mad Max, douche bag.