Summary: This Week in News You Missed

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week. This week’s summarized edition features only headlines.

 

Iraqi Defensive Forces Step-Up As We Duck

 

Horrible Bitch Tells the Worst Stories Imaginable

 

Desperate Timberwolves Plan to Bio-engineer Hakeem Olajuwon/Pee Wee Herman Hybrid Clone for 2009 Season

 

Gaza Real Estate Market Hit Hard by Recession, Cluster Bombs

 

Las Vegas Man Arrested for Apparent Enjoyment of Steve Zahn Movie, “Strange Wilderness”

 

Minnesota Voters Give the Finger to “Fill in the Oval” Directive

 

Maury Announces “You are the Father” to Stunned Vacationing Sea-Whore(se)

 

Dow Chemical Forced to Layoff Thousands After Innovative “Feel Free to Sleep At Work” Initiative Fails to Boost Revenue

 

Matthew McConaughey Not Fooling Anyone

Summary: This Week in News You Missed

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week. This week’s summarized edition features only headlines.

Adorable Old Man Thinks He’s Running for President

 

Warner Brothers Buys Rights to Unfortunate Real-World Situation

 

Summer Means Pageant Season at the U.N.

 

Asshole Stands in Line for 17 Hours to Buy a Cellphone He Pretty Much Already Has

 

Former Boa-Wearing Wrestler, Hollywood Actor, Self-Promoting Author Declares Extreme Dislike for the Mainstream Media on Highly-Rated, AOL/Time-Warner-Owned, Nationally Broadcast Television Program

 

Super-Sexy Lando Calrissian Lookalike Raises Ire of McCain Camp

 

Mitt Romney Bored, Tan

Takes pleasure in his “Bum-bot” creation

Folks, one can only assume that this sort of smut-captioning is in direct, mocking response to my slight misreading of an R. Kelly caption a few weeks back.  Now, yes, I know, the singer was acquitted of all pee-related charges and my coverage may not have exactly been fair and balanced, but CNN, you have to be a fool to think I’d fall for more of your sexually suggestive captioning. I mean, dangling a photo of a clearly gentile American business owner and claiming that he’s “tak[ing] pleasure in his ‘Bum-bot’ creation”? Please. Once I sink my teeth into that one, I’m sure you’ll then tell me that Terrell’s “true” pleasure comes from the fact that the Bum-bot passes out Werther’s Originals to sad-sack (read: bummed) orphans. Nice try.

 

Oh, and I suppose you thought you were pretty clever with the whole “Cops frown on his spraying of water at people” too. Thought I might interpret that as wild, old-man spray peeing, huh (though it’s a serious condition, look it up)? Nope. My guess here is that you’re referring to Terrell’s part time gig as a circus clown, one known for his comic water ballooning of equally clown-clad police officers.

 

What I learned: I can hear you laughing, Blitzer! Laughing!

 

Remains buried in one

 

Folks, I’ve been saying it for years now, but let me once again reiterate my stance on the dead and snack food. Either you’re deceased or you’re delicious and potentially salty.  You here that, can-man? Unless your name happens to rhyme with Jeef Berky, you can’t be both. Pick a side. We’re at war.

 

While Pringles may have had the right idea, though – there’s some obvious cribbing from Willy Wonka’s more successful promotion, except instead of a golden ticket to tour a delightful chocolate factory you get the cremated remains of some old guy – I can’t help but feel that history has repeated itself here. Hadn’t they learned from the failed death-snack campaigns of other companies? Stuff like Frito Lay’s Blazin’ Cadaver and Ranch Doritos, Old Dutch’s Restaurant Style Corpsetadas, and Nabisco’s Reduced Fat Carcass in a Biskits. And let’s say, just for a minute, that I don’t want to find the one can that the designer is buried in? What then?

 

What I learned: Eating Pringles is like playing Russian Roulette, except for the rounds are like the different cans and I guess that would make the round with the bullet the potato with all the dead-guy dust on it….Oh, you get the idea.

Backing the government’s decisions

Attention good people of Buenos Aires!  If you agree with the government’s decisions, please do not set fire to your public square! We need that to make more decisions for you to approve of!

 

As I’ve mentioned before here, friends, rioters are a confused breed, misguided nomads and angry sorts that, to be honest, are more than likely just looking for somewhere to hang after Hot Topic closes. But when these ragamuffins start protestually supporting my governing body, well, that’s where I draw the line. Here are a few other folks that need to check their ids at the door if they want to rally behind my causes. I’ve also taken the liberty of offering them more civilized alternatives.

 

More God in Schools!

 

 

May I suggest… a flag pin

 

 

Global warming is not our fault!

 

 

 

May I suggest…a hunting trip

 

 

We wholeheartedly believe that we are being adequately represented!  Please continue your just and fair taxation policies!

 

 

May I suggest…a powdered wig.

What I learned believe: A riot is not a gesture of approval.

This Week in News You Missed:

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week:

Oil Crisis Averted

A young, brilliant economist has offered a simple suggestion which will solve the nation’s gas price woes.

Fareed Zakaria is widely seen as a front-runner for the Nobel Prize after publishing a brilliant essay in The Economist this week in which he suggests that if Americans use less oil, the price of oil will eventually fall. “Think of oil as lemonade you are selling on the side of the road,” writes Zakaria in the July 16^th edition, “if no one is stopping to buy lemonade, eventually you’re going to lower the price. Oil is no different.”

Zakaria has garnered wide praise for the piece. “It was a brilliant essay, there’s no question,” said Dr. Muinul Chowdhury, a professor of Economics at Harvard University, “I think that Dr. Zakaria has offered some very reasonable solutions that can be used right away to reduce gas prices.”

Zakaria suggests some activities which would immediately affect oil consumption such as carpooling to work, or riding a bicycle rather than driving a car. He estimates that if the typical American could reduce their driving by only 98%, the price of gas could fall to as low as $3.48 a gallon by the end of the decade.

“Fantastic,” said Dr. Raymond Feith, an Economics professor at the University of Chicago, “I can’t believe that no one came up with this idea sooner, to be honest. I mean, the basic premise of the article is actually the main idea that drives all economic theory. Boy, we really missed the boat on this one.”

Economists worldwide are widely anticipating the publication of another Zakaria piece in the New York Times next week in which he argues that Americans can easily solve the problem of their exploding debt simply by spending less than they make.

Chicken blocked the drive-thru

My hat’s off to you, McDonald’s of Temecula, California. While most fast-food restaurants have pussed-out, shrinking or all-together eliminating their over-sized portions, you’ve taken the industry in a bold, new direction by actually making your food so big that I have no choice but to eat my way to the the drive-thru window. You hear that Wendy’s?  If you want to compete, those chicken fingers better not be able to fit in the cab of my truck!

Artist’s rendition of my demands:

What I learned: You’re never hungry in Temecula, California.

Then run out

Today is a sad day, ladies and gentleman. It seems like the left and their propaganda machine have finally convinced America to abandon our most precious of natural resources altogether.  Now, to be honest, this comes as no surprise to me, what with the President’s approval numbers running at a record low, but to fill up and run out of our cars in a panicked state of self-induced guilt? Please. For starters, running is for Olympic hopefuls, the French, and dimwitted chocolate-enthusiasts.  In fact, I would argue that it’s our ability to design gas-fueled technology that makes our legs useless that separates us from the apes – if of course we needed to be separated from the apes, which we don’t because we have nothing genetically to do with them.

 

For those of you confused, here’s a simple diagram. Feel free to print this, cut it out, and put it in your wallet:

 

 

Do you see how the monkey foolishly attempts to travel from point A to point B by plugging his ears while the man prefers the carefully constructed comfort of the gas-powered automobile as his mode of transport?

 

Now granted, I don’t want to trivialize things here, so let’s not assume that things are always this cut and dry. Pop quiz: man or ape?

 

 

Ha-ha!  A monkey placed in very human, non-leg-using circumstances, but I can assure you that he had nothing to do with the creation of this 1953 Chevy Cobalt.

 

Now how about another one?:

 

 

Nope. Monkey astronauts, despite their enormous fuel consumption, are not humans!

 

Last try:

 

 

Actually I have no idea, but that’s funny.  Look at his little pants. Little pant man-monkey.

 

But this brings me to my second point: must I remind all you tree huggers out there what happens when we abandon the Lord’s bubbling crude?

 

 

That’s right. Mo-hawks. And spikey shoulder-pads.  Or maybe you haven’t seen Mad Max, hippie.

 

What I learned I’m telling you right now: Don’t run from gas!

 

This Week In News You Missed:

An ongoing series in which we guess at the published stories which may have been attached to a randomly selected news photo from the previous week:

Search for New Menu Item Sends McDonald’s, NASA to Mars

Is Martian dirt delicious? In a bold move, McDonald’s is betting its Wall Street credibility (and $18.7 billion dollars) that it is.

This week, NASA’s Phoenix rover successfully landed on the surface of Mars, equipped with a robotic, spatula-like arm, eight specially designed Kenmore® microwave ovens, and an innovative, electronic “mouth”, complete with 18 thousand “taste sensors”, designed to analyze cooked dirt samples for deliciousness and transmit the results back to the Johnson Space Center in Houston.

McDonald’s core menu has remained relatively unchanged since the introduction of Chicken “McNuggets” over twenty years ago, and while the chain has extensively promoted new items like the “McRib” sandwich in the decades that have followed, none has managed to maintain a strong consumer following.

In response, McDonald’s executives were forced to think outside the box. “After the Big and Tasty failed, I was emotionally devastated. Finally, I just said ‘There’s nothing else we can deep-fry on this planet. Let’s go to Mars and see what we dig up’”, said Vice President of Sandwich Marketing and New-Product Development, Brad Foster. “I guess I should mention,” he continued, “when I said this, I was extremely drunk at the holiday party and there was a lot more profanity involved, so I didn’t really think that there was a chance in hell that we would actually look for a new product on another planet. But then, somehow, NASA actually came to us.”

NASA first approached McDonald’s with an offer to work in conjunction to develop and market an “out of this world” soft drink should the Phoenix rover discover any human-consumable substances in liquid form on Mars. “We were definitely tempted,” said Vice President of Communication and Business Development, Marcia Lawson, “but we really felt that we already had an ‘out of this world’ beverage in Sprite, so, in the end, we declined.”

NASA was persistent. “They came back with a sandwich idea,” said Vice President of Mid-Atlantic Operations Excluding Northern Virginia, Jim Pulaski, “and we were immediately smitten; the very concept of cooking up a piece of another planet and eating it? It would be making fast food history; we couldn’t resist.”

The earliest prototypes, at McDonald’s insistence according to insiders, involved several different variations of a basic concept: an immigrant laborer equipped with a jet pack and basic kitchen implements. After several years of “disappointing and occasionally fatal” test results, NASA officials were finally able to convince McDonald’s executives to accept the Phoenix rover as a robotic alternative.

The most complex component of the rover to develop, according to NASA engineers, was the electronic “mouth” which scientists developed to replicate the taste buds of Battleboro, North Carolina’s Bud Francis, a self-described “part-time musician”, who won the honor by accumulating the Illinois, Indiana and Kentucky Avenue pieces in McDonald’s 2007 Monopoly promotion.

“If the taste sensors indicate that oven-baked Martian dirt is delicious, as we believe they will, we plan to have that dirt incorporated into a sandwich no later than 2010,” said McDonald’s President of Non-Global Product Development Steven Rutherford. According to strict McDonald’s naming conventions, the sandwich would unfortunately be required to be marketed as the “McMarsDirt”.

If the sandwich is put into nationwide distribution, NASA estimates that as many as 17 McMarsDirts could be served up in this decade.

The cost of the project ($18.7B) was initially seen as cost-prohibitive by many investors, but the bi-partisan Gates-Johnson “Hamburglar” Bill which passed the Senate Finance committee on Monday, and appears to have the necessary votes in both the Senate and the House, seeks to cover more than $18.69 billion of the cost in taxpayer subsidies. In order to reap these benefits, a provision in the bill specifies that the fast food giant must maintain a permanent facility aboard the international space station and within the National Holocaust Museum for at least 4 months.

Shot near the Malibu shore

As many of you know, I don’t follow the celebrities, but when I heard this news today, well, it got to me. For a gorgeous woman like this to be shot on the beach (seen above plugging her temple in a desperate attempt to stop the bleeding) – that’s simply tragic. As a lover of all beautiful women, though, let me offer this eulogy to Ms. Diaz. And since I’m still not entirely sure as to who she is, permit me the liberty of cribbing a bit from the IMDB.

 

Ahem.

 

“We have gathered here today to celebrate the life of Cameron Cortez Diaz. She had kind of a big nose for a while. And then she didn’t. It seems she was also an actress for some time, someone who enjoyed playing fantastical roles: an ogre princess; a woman who could love Ben Stiller; and yes, laughably, a respected female president and co-owner of a professional football team. I know! And get this: she was Al Pacino’s boss!  Oh, Hollywood, how you love to dream….

 

Anyway, she will be missed. She leaves behind friends, family, and a dancing, deforested body of water.

 

Godspeed, sweet princess. May your love of jeans guide you home.

 

What I learned: Something called a Cameron Diaz is dead. But she loves jeans!